"I hate myself" why do I keep getting this thought?

It's not easy for me to pen down these thoughts.
Fear of being judged really haunts me.
So I try to keep them to myself.
But I guess they just grow inside my head.
Sometimes, I feel my head is going to explode.

I once put my hand out to a friend, asked her to save me,
she instead said  'see a doctor'.  He put me on pills and
for a while I was fine, I guess.

One day, someone asked me what's my life's goal? When I am a planning to get married
or have kids, when am I planning to study further or take my career to the next level.
It felt like I was on a hanging bridge and below me is a deep gorge. I am suppose to be running in
either forward or backward but the only problem is the bridge is too fragile to hold my weight.
Every step I take a piece of this bridge just drops, I watch it fall until it disappears into darkness.
Every move I make appears to be wrong decision, no matter how calculated it seems.

Some days I stand there watching the sun go from west to east. Someday I cling on to the
rosary of hope and chant every prayer I know and take one step forward and I watch a piece fall.
I follow a beautiful butterfly or just turn my head to watch the migrating birds, every step I take makes some pieces fall
Sometimes I feel, even my deep sigh causes some crank on this frail bridge.

So tell me, am I wrong to hate myself?
What would you do if you were me?
Jump off the bridge, or wait to be saved, take impulsive strides across the bridge
and don't care about what drops behind me or ahead of me?

What do I do? Really what do I do?
Just go back to my meds, because they just make me forget the gorge and the cranks, that falling pieces. What do I do?