Here why I am so pretentious

Some thoughts are so scary that it’s hard to put them down on a paper.

I am constantly surrounded by my self-doubts,
so if you see me saying “I am good at this and I am good at that”

believe me I am not showing. This is only a reminder to myself.

It's a pretense.

Deep inside me, my self-doubt takes over like the darkness in the night.

Sometimes, I  am so scared that I don’t often look inside.

I go along this pretentiousness as far as I can

then I realise I am not going anywhere at all.

It’s like walking on a treadmill, walking knowing I am not going anywhere.

It’s been 4 years and 5 years –

And it’s been that many years of me fighting with my self-doubt

Fighting with voices inside my head saying “I am no good, I am hopeless and pathetic, I am less and incompetent”.

Sometimes these thoughts takeover and sometimes the victory is mine.

The bright lipstick, the sexy dress, the cute hairdo everything here is my weapon.

I beg of you to understand me that I am fake,

because you entrust so much faith in me that my weak shoulders can’t take.

When I tell you why I fake it, I see pity in your eyes, I regret that minute,

Because I no longer know what’s in that mind.