The life I chose for myself without a "partner"

When you are 30 and relatively good looking,

people cannot wrap their mind around "why are you still single!"

I get this question all the time.

So much that I have started explaining even before asked.

My friends will tell you I am comfortable being single. 

"Relationship" or "dating" is not something I want

They are right.

I travel.

I work.

I do a lot of fun things either with my girl gang or alone.

The truth is, I am scared of being hurt.I am.
I am not scared of falling in love and being left broken-hearted

I am scared of falling in love and being in love and then getting hurt.

I am scared of emotional blackmails and verbal abuse.

I am scared of the weight of the other person's insecurities, that I am supposed to bare.

I am scared of expecting and being let down.

Don't I feel the need to be cuddled and loved?

The need to be held when I am falling, the need to be guided, the need to be made love to, need to talk, need to be heard, need to be looked at like I belong only to them?

Yes, I do.

Sometimes when I am crying I beg my mom to hold me tight.

Sometimes I reach out to my friends when I am confused.

I miss a lot of these things

But then I remember the pang in my heard I felt when they were disloyal to me or when they lied to me, or when they told me I wasnt good enough, that I was too emotional (even when I was diagnosed with clinical depression) when they did not reciprocate my love..

I still feel that pang in my heart when I think of being hurt.

I choose a life without a "partner" by choice and it's fabulous. 

I work. I travel. I read. I make new friends. I cherish old ones.

Most new people I meet cannot even guess I am 30. 

I am not painting a happy picture.

It gets lonely.

Sometimes you call most of your friends and no one answers.

Sometimes you have a secret that cannot be shared with anyone.

Sometimes people make it look like it's an awful thing that you will end up alone.

This blog post doesn't have an ending.

This is how I feel right now.