note from my diary

I am seeing a therapist.

Not technically seeing. I have calls with her.

I called her because I had realised long ago 'I dont see problems'

Rather I can turn a blind eye at my problems and become someone else..

I see this as a nucleus all my problems in 2018-2019.

but my therapist is helping me resolve a lot of issues from my past. 

so i am here feeling helpless and desperate to be understood.

No my therapist listens to me, she makes me look inside n think.

opening up to her makes me hate me more.

I wanna turn into some artist or a poet and let my pain and self hatred run out of me

into a notebook or a canvas. 

I have realised i am not me, I am some manifestation of my mind, 

charming person, always smiling but pushing the real me in to the depths of my mind i cannot find.

I am not me.

Am what i am right now, is a person who spills kindness and venom easily. 

So the new me is good and evil.

the new me is charming and lazy

none of which is really me..

really me, hides from people she loves because she gets hurts,

fake me invests in people I can never love n get hurt.

Real me, wants to hold on to my secrets - is ashamed of my failures

fake me find a new cause to protest, to jokes to make people laugh,  new wisdom to 

give for free.

While really me, is ashamed to ask for love. ashamed to seek advice, or confess to people i need help

fake me wins over real me all the time.

So I am here, unable to look at my real problems, unable to fear losing time

unable to fear deadlines

unable to fear consequences

I dont like myself real me or fake me

My self hatred is a lot deeper than most peoples

I knw people who hate their bodies or their lives

I hate my inner self

I hate myself who needs help

Who seeks something from others that I cant provide

I also hate the me i unwillingly transformed into

This blog is cry for help.

I write for a stranger to find it.